Archive | January, 2011

Tawander Simmons, using kid as bank robbing accomplice a-hole

31 Jan

Tawander Simmons wanted to rob a bank. But she knew she couldn’t pull off the heist alone. So what did she do? She went to her son’s high school and checked him and two of his buddies out to help. Yep, she gave them a break from all the readin’ and writin’ so that they could hone their skills on robbin’ and pillagin’. Needless to say, the whole incident didn’t end well. After all, when you ask a teenager to do anything, he usually  does it half-assed (if at all), and he usually bitches and moans during the whole process. And while Tawander won’t win Mother of the Year for her school prank, she will get an award from us. Congratulations Tawander, you are the A-Hole of the Day.

Lloyd Blankfein, money-grubbing corporate CEO a-hole

30 Jan

Remember way back when (a whopping 2 years ago), when Goldman Sachs took billions in tax payer dollars to keep itself from having a Going out of Business sale? You woulda thought that the handout we gave these corporate panhandlers would have made them a little more humble, a little less Gordon Gekko. Well guess again, suckers. In a year when GS basically broke even, Lloyd and 369 of his partners all got raises. And we’re not talking cost of living increases here, folks. The salary of these hobos in designer suits: anywhere from $2 million to $600,000. And that’s not counting the bonuses these folks are getting. The top five officers will also get $12.6 million each in bonuses. That’s up from $9 million each last year.  Doubt we’ll see any of that cash trickle down to the millions of Americans who gave them the money in the first place. Because as we all know, a-holes don’t pay back their debts.

Joao Batista Groppo, locking wife in basement a-hole

29 Jan

Joao Batista Groppo wanted to have an affair. So to make sure his wife didn’t find out, he kidnapped her and locked her in a basement. For Eight Freaking Years. Acting on a tip, police found 64-year-old Sebastiana Aparecida Groppo lying naked in a dank and dirty basement. Nice, Joao. You know, if you wanted to be a wife-cheating a-hole, all you had to do is tell her you were working late, and go shack up with some Brazilian prostitute with a nice rack and a few unclaimed STDs. You’d still be an a-hole. But not an inhumane one. Congratulations on out-doing every unfaithful man in the world, and winning the coveted A-Hole of the Day Award.

Glenn Beck, anti-Semitic a-hole

28 Jan

There’s enough a-holish things to come out of Mr. Beck’s mouth to make him a consideration for this award pretty much every day. But when 400 rabbis call him out for his repeated references to Nazis and the Holocaust, well, you can’t deny him the trophy. Glenn, Obama is not Hitler with a better barber. Nancy Pelosi is not a prettier version of  a gas chamber guard. Harry Reid and Herman Goering were not separated at birth. So just shut up, wipe away your tears, and enjoy your award as the biggest a-hole of the day.

Dennis Kucinich, frivolous lawsuit a-hole

27 Jan

If you didn’t think that Congressman Dennis Kucinich was an a-hole for driving the city of Cleveland into bankruptcy back in the day or for thinking he actually had a shot at being president or for, well, speaking, you will think he’s an a-hole now. Dennis is suing a Washington cafeteria $150,000 for serving him a wrap with olives in it.  He claims the lunch item cracked a tooth, causing permanent and lasting damage. Of course, a cafeteria serving $4.99 wraps probably doesn’t make $150 grand in a year. But go ahead and try to squeeze it out of the little guy, Dennis. It’s something an a-hole would do.