Archive | February, 2011

Bernie Madoff, pot-calling-the-kettle-black a-hole

28 Feb

In  a recent interview from his posh accommodations at the gray-bar hotel, high-class pick pocket Bernie Madoff accused his clients/victims of  being– wait for it —  “too greedy.” Well now, Bern, if anyone should know the true definition of greed, it’d be you. Isn’t that what got you into the orange jump suit in the first place? So instead of pointing fingers at your victims, why don’t you just shut the F up, and let Bubba finish giving you his deposit, if you know what we mean. It was bad enough that you robbed Kevin Bacon and Steven Spielberg. Now you have to go rub salt in their wounds by calling them names? You, my friend, truly are the A-Hole of the Day.


Charlie Sheen, mouthy show-cancelling a-hole

25 Feb

Nice going, cokehead. You have to get your bong in a bunch and  bash your “Two and a Half Men” peeps on live radio. And what happens? They freaking cancel the show. Thanks a lot. Thanks for being the half a man, and acting like a spoiled little child. We were depending on you to get us through May until “America’s Got Talent” comes on. Now what are we going to do on Monday nights? Talk to our families? Get a hobby? We’re fat lazy Americans. That’s just not going to happen.

Big Oil, greedy, price-jacking a-holes

24 Feb

Really, BP, Chevron and Exxon Mobile? You’re using the Libyan unrest as an excuse to fill your already overflowing coffers? You’re using Gadhafi’s incoherent rants to pad your bonus pool? Well, F.U., a-holes. The guy isn’t working your derricks for you. He’s not on the R&D team. He’s not driving the ships either. So what gives? You may not be aware of the actual price of gas because your butlers fill your tank for you, but it’s about $3.30 a freaking gallon. That ain’t cheap to those of us who don’t get stock options with our jobs. Haven’t you screwed us enough already by poisoning our Red Lobster dinners? Well, stop. Suck it up. Take a hit for a few weeks. And prove that even greedy a-holes can have a heart.


Jeff Cox, tweeting a-hole

23 Feb

If you’re the attorney general of Indi-freaking-ana, you can’t be tweeting like some coked up Kardashian. But that’s what Jeff Cox did, when he tweeted out the idea of using live ammo to subdue union protesters. Jeff the Cox might want to check the law books he’s in charge of. Because peaceful protesting is not a capital offense. And shooting randomly in crowds is sorta dangerous. So, Jeff, if you want to give us a 140-character dissertation on the Oscars or your night out with the ladies, go for it. Just keep your stupid-a-hole political opinions to yourself.

Carmelo Anthony, NBA-destroying a-hole

22 Feb

Like LeBron James didn’t leave enough wreckage in the wake of his Decision-with-a-capital-D. Now Carmelo Anthony  is taking his turn at making the NBA a four-team league. Leave it to the Gen X prima-donnas to dictate where they’re going and who they’re playing with. Glad you’ll get to hob-nob with Jason Sudeikis, Adam Samberg and anyone else who trolls around Tribeca, but by being a selfish little a-hole (like LeBron) you are making the NBA a freaking joke. Thanks for turning Denver into a D-League team. Thanks for mathematically eliminating the Nuggets for the 2012 season already. Now, why don’t you just go to New York, and leave us alone. We’ll be watching golf.

The Texas Legislature, guns-in-school a-holes

21 Feb

Forget Columbine. Forget the Virginia Tech shootings. Forget the fact that kindergarteners in the inner city are going through metal detectors to make sure they’re not packing an AK47 in their Power Rangers lunch boxes. The Texas lawmakers are ready to pass a bill that will make it OK for university students to carry concealed weapons on campus. Terrific idea, people. Because there is nobody more reasonable and level-headed than a stressed out student on a Red Bull bender pulling an all-nighter for his Econ final. In their view, a prof with a bad bow-tie is reason for justifiable homicide. Get your heads out of your a-holes, Texas.  If you want to keep students safe, make a law outlawing inappropriate pick-up lines in bars at 2 a.m.

Gov. Scott Walker, teacher-hating a-hole

18 Feb

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker , being the dutiful tea-bagger that he  is, is taking out his hatchet and cutting everything in sight. First on his list: teachers. He and his fellow spendthrifts think that the educators in their state are making way too much. And to prevent them from making any more, he’s turning back the clock to the 1890’s and trying to bust their union. WTF, Gov? Forget the fact that union busting is pretty fucking unAmerican, but by coming down on teachers, you’re also coming down on the kids they teach. And if you’re OK with China and Japan completely lapping us in spelling bees and science fairs and, well, real life, then go for it. Spending too much is only one way to sink the country.