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Moammar Gadhafi, name-too-hard-to-spell a-hole

22 Mar

We couldn’t get a Smith or a Jones to go and be a ruthless dictator hell-bent on f-ing its people. We had to get some dude with 54 ways to spell his last name. Seriously, according to Oregon Legal Research there are 54 ways to spell “a-hole.”  So, what is it Moammar. G-A-D-H-A-F-I? Q-A-D-D-A-F-I? K-A-D-A-H-F-I? G-H-E-D-D-A-F-I?  Pick one, for God’s sake and let the folks at CNN and Fox run with it. So when they report that your ass was blown into a million pieces by a scud missle, they won’t have to Google the spelling of your name. Or better yet, if you want the Guinness World Record for last names, quit being a war-staring a-hole. Our troops are a spread a little thin right now.

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Ohio, killing people like dogs a-holes

11 Mar

For the record, we here at A-hole of the Day think that capital punishment is an a-hole way to uphold the law.  But we really oppose the killing when wardens start knocking off criminals like they were stray dogs. Ohio just sent a man to his dirt nap with an injection of pentobarbital, a drug used to “euthanize” animals. The man’s name was not Fido or Tippy. It was Johnnie Baston. And while he wasn’t a good guy, he also wasn’t some loose mutt with foaming rabies and a penchant for digging through your garbage. A little human decency folks. A little human decency.

Audrey Willoughby, designated-driver-choosing a-hole

8 Mar

Audrey, here’s a little tip on parenting. When you decide to head out to the bars to get blotto, you might want to pick a designated drivers who’s older than 10 years of age. The Florida woman, who will have to settle for A-Hole of the Day instead of Mom of the Year, allowed her pre-pubescent daughter to take the wheel after she and her boyfriend had a 6-pack too many.  The girl, who couldn’t reach the brake and see over the dash at the same time, crashed into several cars on the way home.  No word how she fared though the Taco Bell Late Nite Drive Thru, though. Ms. Willoughby was arraigned in court on Monday on charges of child endangerment and being a stupid hillbilly.

Westboro Baptist Church, funeral-crashing homophobic a-holes

2 Mar


Yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled 8-1 to allow the God-loving members at the Westboro Baptist Church to spew their anti-gay chants at the funerals of US military soldiers. Apparently, it falls under the definition of “free speech.” And while we here at A-hole of the Day, would love to give the trophy to the eight nimrods in robes for allowing these insensitive jackwads to disrespect the dead, we must acknowledge that technically they’re right. So, we’re giving the award to the protesters for wanting to picket in the first place. Screw all you hypocritical a-holes. You want to ruin the last memory parents have of their son? You want to destroy a solemn moment of remembrance? Great. We hope God holds a big fucking gay orgy in your pews.

Bernie Madoff, pot-calling-the-kettle-black a-hole

28 Feb

In  a recent interview from his posh accommodations at the gray-bar hotel, high-class pick pocket Bernie Madoff accused his clients/victims of  being– wait for it —  “too greedy.” Well now, Bern, if anyone should know the true definition of greed, it’d be you. Isn’t that what got you into the orange jump suit in the first place? So instead of pointing fingers at your victims, why don’t you just shut the F up, and let Bubba finish giving you his deposit, if you know what we mean. It was bad enough that you robbed Kevin Bacon and Steven Spielberg. Now you have to go rub salt in their wounds by calling them names? You, my friend, truly are the A-Hole of the Day.

Stacey Champion, puppy-mailing a-hole

2 Feb
Artist's Rendering

Stacey Champion (artist's rendering)

Last Tuesday, Stacey Champion walked into a Minneapolis post office with a package to mail. The contents: a puppy. Yes, inside the taped up box was a little 4-month-old poodle mix with no food, no air, no light and no place to take a crap.  And he was about to take the 12-hour unpressurized ride of his life. Or his death, as it were. In her defense, Stacey was sending the dog as gift to a friend. And hey, who wouldn’t want a cold, dead puppy with the fear of God frozen on his face to open up in front of the family? Stacey now faces charges of animal cruelty and has the honor of being the biggest a-hole of the day.

Tracy Jean Stimac, sex with special ed student a-hole

1 Feb

Ever since Mary Kay Letourneau boinked little Vili Fualaau, we Americans have seemingly opened up to the idea of statutory rape. I mean you can’t click on Yahoo! News without reading a story of a teacher doing it with some paste-eater. But teacher/adulterer Tracy Jean Stimac has gone a wee bit too far. Her boyfriend of choice is none other than a special education student who she lured to her car for a little, um, date. One look at her and you can tell why the school quarterback didn’t want her. But really, Tracy, if you have to take advantage of some kid who doesn’t even realize he’s being taken advantage of, then you truly are an a-hole.