Ohio, killing people like dogs a-holes

11 Mar

For the record, we here at A-hole of the Day think that capital punishment is an a-hole way to uphold the law.  But we really oppose the killing when wardens start knocking off criminals like they were stray dogs. Ohio just sent a man to his dirt nap with an injection of pentobarbital, a drug used to “euthanize” animals. The man’s name was not Fido or Tippy. It was Johnnie Baston. And while he wasn’t a good guy, he also wasn’t some loose mutt with foaming rabies and a penchant for digging through your garbage. A little human decency folks. A little human decency.

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Wisconsin Senate, sneaky, slimy a-holes

9 Mar

Oh, Wisconsin, we thought you were all nice and polite. What with your charming little accents and your endless supply of cheeses. We thought you were still happy little drunks, swilling Miller Beer as you watch re-runs of the Packers Super Bowl win. But then you go and pull a fast one. You make up this new bill that will allow you to strip unions of their rights without the need for a quorum vote. And then you vote on it as the lone Democrat reads — make that SCREAMS — the Wisconsin Constitution to you, pointing out that you are breaking the law. Rude. Rude. Rude, Wisconsin. Who do you think you are, New Jersey?

Audrey Willoughby, designated-driver-choosing a-hole

8 Mar

Audrey, here’s a little tip on parenting. When you decide to head out to the bars to get blotto, you might want to pick a designated drivers who’s older than 10 years of age. The Florida woman, who will have to settle for A-Hole of the Day instead of Mom of the Year, allowed her pre-pubescent daughter to take the wheel after she and her boyfriend had a 6-pack too many.  The girl, who couldn’t reach the brake and see over the dash at the same time, crashed into several cars on the way home.  No word how she fared though the Taco Bell Late Nite Drive Thru, though. Ms. Willoughby was arraigned in court on Monday on charges of child endangerment and being a stupid hillbilly.

Mark Cuban, Charlie Sheen exploiting a-hole

7 Mar

Mark Cuban, the mercurial owner of the Dallas Mavericks, wants to enter the world of reality TV, and is considering offering none other than train wreck Charlie Sheen his own reality show. No thanks, Mark. We don’t need to see “Coke Addicts Gone Bad” or “”Whore Lovers of Beverly Hills.” And “The Real Dickwads of Hollywood” isn’t going to grab our attention either. So why don’t you let Chuck sit at home by “detox.” We don’t need a-hole like you cashing in on his mess.

Mike Huckabee, Natalie Portman hating a-hole

4 Mar

Dear Mike Huckabee, please stop waiving your lilly-white morality around. You’re in a line of work with Newt Gingrich, Bill Clinton and that dude who has a thing for young nubile pages. So, your public criticisms of single-mom-to-be Natalie Portman ring kind of hollow. If someone gives you a microphone, talk about the deficit or national security or, hell how Obama is really a Kenyan national who wants to overthrow every American value we hold near and dear. Just leave Natalie alone. Because she’s hot, and we like her.

John Boehner, disrespectful a-hole

3 Mar

When Frank Buckles, the last living World War I veteran passed away this week, a lot of Americans thought it would be a grand gesture to honor him by having his casket rest in state at the Capitol rotunda. And then John Boehner got his ultra-tanned nosed involved in things. John took time off from golfing with lobbyists and crying about anything, to put the kai-bash on the whole idea. According to Boehner, “a ceremony at Arlington is enough.” Enough? Did you really say, “Enough”? I don’t think Buckles said, “Enough” when he was knocking off Germans and saving your grandparents’ asses. Are you afraid the honor might cost the tax payers a few extra bucks to hire a security guard for the night? Please, get your head out of your a-hole and show that you have a little respect for the dead.

Westboro Baptist Church, funeral-crashing homophobic a-holes

2 Mar


Yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled 8-1 to allow the God-loving members at the Westboro Baptist Church to spew their anti-gay chants at the funerals of US military soldiers. Apparently, it falls under the definition of “free speech.” And while we here at A-hole of the Day, would love to give the trophy to the eight nimrods in robes for allowing these insensitive jackwads to disrespect the dead, we must acknowledge that technically they’re right. So, we’re giving the award to the protesters for wanting to picket in the first place. Screw all you hypocritical a-holes. You want to ruin the last memory parents have of their son? You want to destroy a solemn moment of remembrance? Great. We hope God holds a big fucking gay orgy in your pews.