Tag Archives: a-hole

Moammar Gadhafi, name-too-hard-to-spell a-hole

22 Mar

We couldn’t get a Smith or a Jones to go and be a ruthless dictator hell-bent on f-ing its people. We had to get some dude with 54 ways to spell his last name. Seriously, according to Oregon Legal Research there are 54 ways to spell “a-hole.”  So, what is it Moammar. G-A-D-H-A-F-I? Q-A-D-D-A-F-I? K-A-D-A-H-F-I? G-H-E-D-D-A-F-I?  Pick one, for God’s sake and let the folks at CNN and Fox run with it. So when they report that your ass was blown into a million pieces by a scud missle, they won’t have to Google the spelling of your name. Or better yet, if you want the Guinness World Record for last names, quit being a war-staring a-hole. Our troops are a spread a little thin right now.

Mark Zuckerberg, privacy-infringing a-hole

2 Mar

Sorry, Mark, that you couldn’t kick a stuttering king’s ass this weekend, but don’t take it out on the rest of us.  Rumor has it that you’re now going to be handing out our phone numbers like some hammered Harvard co-ed at a Finals mixer. Not so fast. If you think you can steal our identities just because you have us all addicted to your little dorm-room invention, think again. Because we have a couple Winkelvosses who would like nothing more than to kick your ass. You already got more money than freaking God. You don’t need chump change from some direct marketing list maker. So, whattaya say? Be a friend, and let us have a little bit of privacy.

Michele Bachmann, anti-breastfeeding a-hole

17 Feb


Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, who is perhaps the most embarrassing thing to come out of Minnesota since Brett Favre, is on the warpath against breastfeeding. Bachmann, who proudly proclaims that she breast fed all five of her right wing offspring, vehemently opposes Michelle Obama, who favors tax breaks for poor moms buying breast feeding pumps. Of course Bachmann has no trouble with subsidizing pumps that suck oil out of the Gulf. And she’s all in favor of tax cuts for those who buy pumps to get natural gas out of the Arctic. But breast feeding pumps for poor moms who want healthier children? Well, that’s just going to far.

The Yellow Pages, lawsuit waging a-holes

7 Feb

The Yellow Pages, the company the drops their 500-page dinosaurs on everybody’s doorstep, is suing the city of Seattle so that they can continue to litter our neighborhoods with books we no longer use. Seems the city of Seattle allows their peeps to opt out of the Yellow Pages’ guest list, and the Yellow Pages doesn’t think it’s fair.  They say it’s an infringement on their right to free speech or free press or free something. But, if they’d get their noses out of the “Lawyers” section of their printed relics, and read the frickin’ Constitution, they’d see that the right to deforest the world and fill up our recycling bins is not mentioned anywhere. So, Yellow Pages, do us all a favor, and quit filing your grievances. You’re wasting enough paper as it is.

Tracy Jean Stimac, sex with special ed student a-hole

1 Feb

Ever since Mary Kay Letourneau boinked little Vili Fualaau, we Americans have seemingly opened up to the idea of statutory rape. I mean you can’t click on Yahoo! News without reading a story of a teacher doing it with some paste-eater. But teacher/adulterer Tracy Jean Stimac has gone a wee bit too far. Her boyfriend of choice is none other than a special education student who she lured to her car for a little, um, date. One look at her and you can tell why the school quarterback didn’t want her. But really, Tracy, if you have to take advantage of some kid who doesn’t even realize he’s being taken advantage of, then you truly are an a-hole.