Bob King, jealous underpaid union a-hole

Bob, we here at A-Hole of the Day truly support unions. We are offended by what has happened in Wisconsin and in other states with similar bills under consideration. But when you start spouting off about how Ford’s CEO Alan Mulally’s paycheck is “morally wrong,” we have call, “A-Hole.” This is America, Bob. If people want to give you a crap-load of cash, you have every right in the world to take it. Plus, if anyone has earned it, it’s Alan. He’s turned Ford around in amazing ways, he’s creating jobs, and, hell,  his cars are actually pretty good. So if you want to rag on someone’s paycheck, just pick a major league baseball roster. Then you might have our support.

Moammar Gadhafi, name-too-hard-to-spell a-hole

We couldn’t get a Smith or a Jones to go and be a ruthless dictator hell-bent on f-ing its people. We had to get some dude with 54 ways to spell his last name. Seriously, according to Oregon Legal Research there are 54 ways to spell “a-hole.”  So, what is it Moammar. G-A-D-H-A-F-I? Q-A-D-D-A-F-I? K-A-D-A-H-F-I? G-H-E-D-D-A-F-I?  Pick one, for God’s sake and let the folks at CNN and Fox run with it. So when they report that your ass was blown into a million pieces by a scud missle, they won’t have to Google the spelling of your name. Or better yet, if you want the Guinness World Record for last names, quit being a war-staring a-hole. Our troops are a spread a little thin right now.

Donald Trump, birther a-hole

Really The Donald? A birth certificate isn’t enough for you? A newspaper announcement isn’t enough for you? Now you need confirmed stories of playground dodgeball games to prove Barack Obama is an American? Please. Go back to firing washed up celebrities and leave the political stupidity to Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann. You’re good at what you do, they’re good at what they do. And if you’re thinking of making a run for the White House, please do not resort to this sort of low-class crap. Newt’s got that covered. Just show us how you’ll make the country cool again. Thank you.

Verizon Wireless, charging the dead a-holes

How much does it cost to cancel your service if you die? About $382.60 if your account is with Verizon. That’s how much one woman had to pay after her father passed away January 31st . The woman, who was the only living relative of the guy and was bombarded with legal crap and paperwork (not to mention to emotional pain of losing a parent), didn’t get around to canceling the service the day he passed. Instead she waited till March. And even when she begged for a little leniency and provided a death certificate proving pops was unable to use the phone after January 31st, the customer service rep, said, “Tough toenails, pay up anyway.”  Well, fuck you, you insensitive a-holes. FUCK YOU. Can you hear me now?

Adrian Peterson, modern-day slave a-hole

Multimillion-dollar NFL running back Adrian Peterson recently referred to himself as a “slave.” He thinks the way the NFL is run that the owners are the Massas and he and his 1,700  footballing friends are pickin’ cotton in the field. Well, Adrian, allow us to correct you. You are not a slave, you are an a-hole. Slaves, if you recall, worked seven days a week, and got paid nothing. You work one day a week and make millions. Slaves couldn’t find employment elsewhere, you are free to find a job as a gas station clerk or a WalMart greeter or the host of NFL Today. Slaves were beaten mercilessly by their owners. Your owners give you swank private jets, posh hotels and all the chicks you’ll ever want. So no, you are not a slave. You are spoiled little brat.

Jon Bon Jovi, living-in-the-past a-hole

Jon, we should’ve given you the A-Hole of the Day Award the day you wrote “Blaze of Glory.” But we thought we’d be nice and let you rip off Bruce Springsteen for another 20 years. Now you’ve really gone and done it when you criticized Steve Jobs for “ruining music.” Jon thinks that days when kids would plop down $16 for a cd with one good song one song and 11 pieces of 4/4 crapolla were good. Sorry, Jon. It wasn’t good. It was disappointing. Sorry that you can’t sell us your filler music anymore.

Rep. Virgil Peck, shooting immigrants from helicopter a-hole

Kansas Congressman Virgil Pecker… er…. Peck has an awesome suggestion for controlling the influx of illegal immigrants. He wants to deal with them  the same way the state deals with  “feral hogs” — by shooting them from a helicopter. We can only assume that afterwards, he wants to rope the slippery little lawn workers,  slice ’em up into thin little strips and serve them on a BLT. A-holes tend to think that way.

Ohio, killing people like dogs a-holes

For the record, we here at A-hole of the Day think that capital punishment is an a-hole way to uphold the law.  But we really oppose the killing when wardens start knocking off criminals like they were stray dogs. Ohio just sent a man to his dirt nap with an injection of pentobarbital, a drug used to “euthanize” animals. The man’s name was not Fido or Tippy. It was Johnnie Baston. And while he wasn’t a good guy, he also wasn’t some loose mutt with foaming rabies and a penchant for digging through your garbage. A little human decency folks. A little human decency.

Wisconsin Senate, sneaky, slimy a-holes

Oh, Wisconsin, we thought you were all nice and polite. What with your charming little accents and your endless supply of cheeses. We thought you were still happy little drunks, swilling Miller Beer as you watch re-runs of the Packers Super Bowl win. But then you go and pull a fast one. You make up this new bill that will allow you to strip unions of their rights without the need for a quorum vote. And then you vote on it as the lone Democrat reads — make that SCREAMS — the Wisconsin Constitution to you, pointing out that you are breaking the law. Rude. Rude. Rude, Wisconsin. Who do you think you are, New Jersey?

Audrey Willoughby, designated-driver-choosing a-hole

Audrey, here’s a little tip on parenting. When you decide to head out to the bars to get blotto, you might want to pick a designated drivers who’s older than 10 years of age. The Florida woman, who will have to settle for A-Hole of the Day instead of Mom of the Year, allowed her pre-pubescent daughter to take the wheel after she and her boyfriend had a 6-pack too many.  The girl, who couldn’t reach the brake and see over the dash at the same time, crashed into several cars on the way home.  No word how she fared though the Taco Bell Late Nite Drive Thru, though. Ms. Willoughby was arraigned in court on Monday on charges of child endangerment and being a stupid hillbilly.